


old habits die hard (but i swear i'm trying)

by penrosequartz



Series: So I'm Gay Now? [1]
Category: The Book of Mormon - Ambiguous Fandom, The Book of Mormon - Parker/Stone/Lopez
Genre: Boys Kissing, Dealing With Guilt, Getting Together, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, hell dreams, i honestly don't know what else to tag this with, mcpriceley
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-12
Updated: 2017-06-12
Packaged: 2018-11-13 02:02:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,358
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11174694
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/penrosequartz/pseuds/penrosequartz
Summary: Kevin Price? Gay? Of course not.That is, until he falls for a certain Elder.No, seriously, he actually falls on his face.





	old habits die hard (but i swear i'm trying)

**Author's Note:**

> I WROTE THIS AS SOON AS I SAW THE BOOK OF MORMON AND I JUST  
> IDEK  
> HELP ME  
> kudos are appreciated, as are comments! this work is hardly original, i'm sure it's just me regurgitating every fic i've read in the past 24 hours, but i did my best!

Elder Kevin Price is the picture of mental health. It's not a very pretty picture, but at least he can still see.

He's almost completely sure now, that God doesn't exist. That doesn't mean he doesn’t appreciate what Arnold is preaching - no, in fact, the opposite is true. He has so much respect for his best friend.

And even though he doesn't really believe in God anymore, he still feels like a sinner. He doesn't know what he did to deserve this, all these terrible things in his head. The things that make him want to run, or scream, or grab a knife from the kitchen and just- no. Turn it off.

That's been his days so far. An endless cycle of thought, bottling up his feelings, and exploding when he’s alone. No one has witnessed any of the said explosions yet, but he can’t hide it forever. 

He doesn't even know what's wrong with him, and he doesn't know what he does wrong. Sometimes, it's tiny little things that don't matter, that just feel bad somehow. And sometimes it's bigger things.

_ Much  _ bigger things. Things like Connor McKinley. 

~~~

He remembers the first time, an insignificance. He was rushing through the house to tell Arnold about something, and he'd tripped and fallen right in front of some amazingly-still-shiny shoes. He'd expected the owner of the shoes to laugh at him, maybe call him a dunce, but in a friendly way, you know? The Elders were  _ friends _ now. Apparently.

But it didn't happen like that. A hand appeared in front of the shoes, and the hand helped him up, allowing Kevin to see a pair of bright blue eyes, and a warm smile.

“Thank you, Elder,” Kevin grinned.

“No problem!” McKinley giggled, “And you must call me Connor. I insist.”

“Oh. Well, thank you, Connor. I'm Kevin,” and he gave him his most dazzling smile.

Connor was still holding his hand, and laughed as Kevin shook it as if they were meeting for the first time. 

“Be careful, Kevin,” Connor waved, leaving the hall and entering his room.

_ ‘Connor has really soft hands,’  _ Kevin thought.

_ ‘And pretty skin, with freckles…’  _ Kevin thought.

_ ‘That's a bit gay,’  _ Kevin thought.

_ ‘Shit,’  _ Keven thought,  _ ‘I’m not gay.’ _

He went to find Arnold.

~~~

The second time, that was when it really started. Kevin was trying his hardest not to see, talk to, or interact in any way with Elder McKinley. 

He’d just had another hell dream - they were getting worse. He didn't think he could take another round of Satan beating him up, and then Connor kissing him and- TURN IT OFF!

And so he was sitting in the living room, staring at the wall, tears rolling down his face as his brain tore at the walls, ripping holes in himself. He was so worn down, Arnold had even asked him what was wrong - Kevin just smiled and asked him what he was talking about, but he knew Arnold could see that the happiness didn't reach his eyes. Arnold said he'd talk to him later, but Kevin went to bed as early as possible. He wasn't asleep when Arnold came in, but he pretended he was. Arnold probably knew that.

Kevin guessed that if you wanted to scream and cry and curse God, Uganda was a reasonably good place to do it. Even better than Orlando, where everyone would stare and call you mad. Kevin thought about it sometimes. Thought about his family sometimes. He didn't particularly like those sometimes.

“You've been avoiding me,” came a familiar voice from behind the couch. For a moment, Kevin thought he was dreaming again - he remembered in one of his dreams, Connor had said exactly the same thing. Fuck, Kevin was screwed up.

“Ugh!” Kevin groaned, “I fell asleep on the couch, didn't I? I'm an idiot. Everyone's gonna hear me if I scream in the middle of the night - not that they couldn't hear me before. Go away, McKinley, you're not real!” Kevin nearly sang the last part.

“I am real,” Connor sat down on the couch beside him, “Are you- are you okay? You're crying…”

Connor reached out to touch Kevin’s shoulder, but he flinched back.

“Don't,” he hissed, “I know I’m dreaming. Hit me. Or whatever. Do whatever you're gonna do. I don't even care anymore. Where’s your buddy Satan this time?”

“Satan- Kevin, are you still having hell dreams?” Connor asked, concerned.

“Wait,” Kevin frowned, “Wait, you are real, you don't- you don't look the same…”

“Of course I'm real,” Connor paused, “Do you wanna talk about it?”

Kevin hurriedly shook his head, wiping his eyes, “Sorry, I’ll go back to my room, I’m up too late…”

“Curfew doesn't matter anymore, right? We can do whatever we want,” McKinley smiled, before cocking his head to one side, “What happened? I mean, you don't have to…”

“Uh…” Kevin paused, “It’s nothing. I’m fine. Turn it off, right?”

“No, Kevin,” Connor frowned, “We should talk about this stuff… It isn't- It’s not healthy, to keep everything in. You don't have to be happy all the time. We all agreed that turning it off wasn't the right thing to do.”

“You still do it though, right?” Kevin asked glumly.

“Do what? Turn it off?” Connor bit his lip before answering, “I don't have anything to turn off. I'm not- I'm not, okay?”

“Whatever,” Kevin stood up, and started for his bedroom, before stopping.

“I’m not  _ ‘always happy,’  _ you know. I'm not happy. Ever. Turning it off is killing me. I'm sinning and I don't even believe in God. Every move I make is wrong.”

“Goodnight, Elder Price,” came the reply.

“Goodnight, Elder McKinley,” Kevin replied, before heading back to bed.

~~~

Kevin is angry. Connor looks hurt by the fact that they aren't really friends, by the fact that Kevin is avoiding him. Kevin is angry that Connor has stars on his skin and soft orange hair, and he's angry that he loves to look at him. Because he's not  _ gay,  _ damn it, but he'd love to kiss McKinley’s soft lips, and-  _ turn it. The fuck. Off. _

They have another moment of sorts, when Connor is making soup.

“Smells good, Elder McKinley!” Arnold says warmly, and Kevin trudges in behind him, a stark contrast to his bubbly best friend.

“Glad I could please the prophet,” Connor winks, and hands Arnold a bowl of soup. Kevin tries not to be jealous. 

“You shouldn't drink that,” Arnold warns Kevin as he reaches for an unopened bottle on the table.

“What is it?” Kevin asks, picking it up.

“It's a drink, Nala got it,” Arnold frowns, “I think it’s alcohol.”

Kevin pops the cork on the plain glass bottle, and smells it. It definitely smells… strong. Kevin pours some into a cup and takes a sip.

“Dude!” Arnold cries, “What’s it like?” 

Connor watches with amusement as Kevin makes a face, but Kevin stares Elder McKinley right in the eyes and says, “It's a bit overwhelming.”

Another guy comes in, and Kevin smirks as he sees the pure expression Elder Thomas is wearing.

“Whatcha drinking, Elder Price?” He asks.

“This, Poptarts,” Kevin grins, “Is a really great drink, here, have some!” He offers his glass.

“Well, okay,” Poptarts smiles, “It smells bad.”

“It tastes better,” Arnold encourages, “Really.”

Surprisingly, Connor doesn't say anything. He just watches the scene play out, his eyes burning into Kevin’s skull. And even when Poptarts splutters, and they all start laughing, Connor is just standing there, staring.

And he's beautiful. Kevin hates that about him.

~~~

Connor and Kevin talk more, somehow. They drop an extra word here and there, just a little over the general courtesies, and these extra words eventually develop into conversation. And then they're back where they started.

Kevin’s had a nightmare. Well, it wasn't terrible, not really. Satan wasn't there, neither were the fires of hell. But Connor was there.

Connor was  _ definitely _ there.

This dream had left him breathless, too hot, and he didn't even feel bad. He'd had a talk with Arnold, who had laid it out simply for him. He still felt like shit, but he didn't feel so guilty anymore. The only thing he felt  _ super _ bad about was the fact that, even though Connor was  _ probably  _ gay, he didn't have feelings for Kevin. Why would he? Kevin was a self-centred, self-righteous prick. Connor was a beautiful, incredible boy with constellations tracking all over him.

So he was lying on his stomach on the cool ground of the living room, the heat draining out of him, and he heard someone stagger into the room, breathing hard and fast.

Kevin sat bolt upright. “Are you okay?” He asked the figure.

“Kevin?” Connor’s voice cracked. Of course it was Connor.

“Yeah, it's me,” he scrambled to his feet, catching a heavy and shaking body.

“I-it’s so hard, to stop them, I know it's wrong, you must hate me-” Connor gasped for air, “These dreams, they're not even hell dreams anymore, I  _ enjoy  _ them, and it’s disgusting-”

“Hey, hey,” Kevin soothed, rubbing his back, “It’s okay, remember?”

“It's getting harder to turn it off, Kevin,” Connor mumbles.

“So don't,” Kevin says simply, but inside it's a mix of  _ ‘holy shit Connor is hugging me’  _ and  _ ‘who does he dream about? probably Poptarts, God damn it’  _ and  _ ‘I'm gonna give him advice and he's gonna go and try and court some other guy. I'm an idiot.’ _

“Don't? Are you  _ kidding  _ me?” Connor says incredulously, pulling back, “ _ Don't? _ ”

“Uh…” Kevin pauses, “What happened to not bottling up your feelings?”

“You've been doing better recently, I can see that,” Connor says, “But it's different for you. You have to accept the fact that you're human. I’m  _ gay,  _ Kevin, I’m  _ less than human.” _

Kevin’s heart stops. Connor doesn't have an Arnold. Sure, he has his partner, but they don't seem like friends who tell each other absolutely everything - Connor doesn't have someone to tell him he's wrong, to tell him he's incredible.

“You're not less than human, Connor,” Kevin says slowly, “You're amazing. Being gay is perfectly fine, it's in the Book of Arnold now, right?”

“You and I both know that the Book of Arnold doesn’t mean anything,” Connor groans.

“It does, though, It's teaching acceptance and stuff-” Kevin starts.

“Fine, Kevin,” Connor steels himself, “You want me to turn it on? Fine. I’m gay. I’m attracted to you. I have dreams about you where we do things and recently I’ve been enjoying them. You're really attractive and even though you can be an egotistical asshole, you're a very nice, funny, and kind guy.”

Kevin stands completely still as Connor continues.

“Oh, I’m sorry, did I make you uncomfortable? Now you hate me and are repulsed by me. Fine, I’ll turn it off again. Goodbye, Elder.”

And he turns on his heel and walks away.

~POV SWITCH~

Connor gets to his room and quickly collapses on the bed. 

_ ‘Fuck,’  _ he thinks, before reminding himself that that's blasphemy, before reminding himself no one cares.

He turns to look at his partner’s bed, but Elder Church isn't there. That means he probably went to get a glass of water, he probably heard everything, and he's probably talking to Kevin right now.

Connor admits he didn't really think this through - he was still going to have to see Kevin every day, maybe talk to him, and the whole time Kevin would be thinking that he's disgusting.

Connor hears footsteps coming down the hallway and the door creaking open. He doesn't turn to look immediately, but he starts talking.

“Gosh, I'm such an idiot, did you hear what I just told-” he manages to get out, before turning and seeing who it is.

“Uh,” he says dumbly into the face of one Elder Price, “Where's Elder Church?” 

“I… I don't know? I just wanted to see if you were alright,” Kevin gingerly sits down on Connor’s bed.

“You… you don't hate me?” Connor asks, and Kevin flushes. Pink is a good colour on him - Connor should get him to wear that vest.

“Of course not,” Kevin swallows, and of course he's nervous, he's next to a gay guy who has a crush on him, but Connor can't help but  _ hope… _

“Connor, what you said, I um…” Kevin looks down.

“I totally understand,” Connor sighs, all hope going out the window, “You don't feel the same way. Obviously. You're not gay-”

“I am,” Kevin says, and Connor freezes.

“Wait, what?” He asks.

“Gay. I think, I’m gay,” Kevin breathes out, and Connor can feel the hot breath skidding across his skin.

“You're gay?” Connor asks.

“I think so,” Kevin shrugs.

“What do you mean, you  _ think  _ so? Do you- uh, do you have, any dreams?” Connor asks nervously.

“What did you think I was talking about, when I said I was dreaming about you, you spoon?” Kevin giggles.

“Oh,” Connor breathes, with the realisation that he's a total idiot.

“I had a dream tonight, actually,” and Kevin is closer, much closer than he was before, and Connor is heating up.

“O-oh, uh huh?” Connor motions for him to go on, still not letting himself get his hopes up.

“You were in it, again,” Kevin murmurs, “And we did things.”

“What sort of- of things?” Connor asks, because he can't think of anything else to say, and he can't believe this is happening. Why would Kevin want him? Kevin is this beautiful, dark-haired, funny guy, and Connor is just-

“Things like this,” and Kevin presses his lips against Connor’s and everything else melts away. Connor’s arms snake around Kevin’s shoulders, and Kevin grabs Connor's thighs, and suddenly Connor is straddling a very-much-pinker Elder Price, whose pupils are blown wide, and whose lips are hanging red and open in the most beautiful way.

“So,” Connor smirks, “The poster child is gay. Interesting.”

“Shut  _ up _ ,” Kevin groans, and kisses Connor again.

~~~

They still feel guilty, like they're sinning, sometimes. But it's getting better. Old habits die hard, as the saying goes. Kevin Price is the picture of mental health - it's still not a very pretty picture, but it's a start.

**Author's Note:**

> heyyyy if you liked it please leave a comment! thanks for reading  
> also yeah i didn't know what else to call the series lmao


End file.
